


Transgender Dysphoria Blues

by PansyDivision



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Gender Dysphoria, Hurt/Comfort, MTF Sam Winchester, No Sex, Supportive Castiel, Supportive Dean, in a way? maybe it doesn't really count as fluff.., transgender sam winchester, yes i titled this after an Against Me! album
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-10
Updated: 2017-08-10
Packaged: 2018-12-13 13:55:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11761323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PansyDivision/pseuds/PansyDivision
Summary: Sam's only come out to her brother and their angel a few months ago, and now she doesn't have to handle her crippling dysphoria on her own. While Cas is helping her through a particularly rough patch, they uncover their feelings for each other.





	Transgender Dysphoria Blues

Sam moped through the hallways of the bunker, her hair unbrushed, stray hairs threatening to poke her in the eye. She couldn't give a single fuck about it as she continued into the main library where her brother was sat. Dean instantly looked concerned, but didn't move from his spot where he was slouching in front of his laptop. 

"You look like someone killed your puppy," Dean commented, noticing that Sam was pantsless, clad only in underwear and an oversized shirt (oversized? How in fuck did she find a shirt that big). 

Shrugging in response, she plopped down in the seat at the end of the table, only a couple spots away from Dean. She laid her head in her hands and sat there quietly.

"You need anything, Sammy?" Dean asked, softer this time. He knew it wasn't time to screw around anymore.

He only got another shrug.

"If i ask more specific questions, do you think you'll be able to answer them?" He knew how he sounded. Like a mom. Like a therapist. But it's what his sister needed and Dean wasn't about to curb it because he was afraid to show a little vulnerability. 

Sam sighed and nodded, opting to cross her arms over the table and plant her face into them.

"When's the last time you ate?" 

"Yesterday morning," she answered quietly, like she had to conserve energy.

Dean frowned. He'd made breakfast yesterday for the two of them, which is probably the only reason Sam ate in the first place. She probably hadn't eaten for days before that.

"Last time you showered?"

"Monday."

It was Sunday now.

"Do you need help doing either of those things?" Dean had certainly done it before. They'd both been through loads of shit, and hell if they hadn't dragged each other through the rough spots. 

It didn't surprise him that Sam was having trouble recently. She'd only come out as a trans woman 3 months ago. The whole ordeal went pretty smoothly between them, with Sam having to educate her brother quite a bit on the subject of gender and sexuality. Though they thought Dean couldn't tell, he'd noticed how close Sam and Cas had gotten in the past months as well. He wasn't sure that either of them knew what they meant to the other person. Dean was sure those were the roots, but he knew that wasn't all of it.

"Yeah," she replied in a whisper, head still down.

Dean was sitting up now, studying his sister's movements. He took a chance, "Do you want me to call Cas for you? I can help, if that's what you want, but-"

Sam had been avoiding calling or talking much to Cas for over two weeks now. She dreaded seeing him, knowing that he'd want more out of what their relationship was becoming. God, she loved Cas, she really did. But she wasn't ready. However, Sam was one for reevaluating the situation for the betterment of everyone involved and she knew she couldn't avoid him forever. They would have to talk. Cas would have to understand, or maybe he wouldn't. One way to find out.

She pulled her head up and pushed her hair out of her face. Interrupting Dean, she said, "Yes."

Surprised, Dean's eyes widened, "Oh- I mean, okay." 

Dean took a deep breath and look up at the ceiling. Although he knew it was unlikely that Cas was in heaven, it still felt right. "Castiel, who art in a public park somewhere probably, get your ass here. We have Ben and Jerry's, HBO, free wifi... and Sam needs you."

In that instant, Castiel stood between the brothers, already facing Sam. "Sam, you needed me?"

Standing up, Dean smiled. "I think I'm gonna head to my room, it's getting kinda late." Making sure to make eye contact with Sam, he added, "That's where I'll be if you need anything." 

Sam nodded slightly, and her and the angel watched Dean leave.

Sighing, she finally answered, "Yeah, Cas, I need you."

Cas took notice of the woman's disheveled appearance, the way she hunched over in her seat, and her lack of energy. He knew that Sam was still adjusting to being "out", and allowing herself to be who she really was, but he had no idea it had gotten to this point.

"What would you like me to do?" Cas asked, sitting in the corner seat next to Sam.

"Um, I need a shower, but I can't," she covered her face with her hands, leaning her elbows on the table, "I can't even look at myself." 

Cas grabbed her hands gently, pulling them away from her face. Her eyes were red from trying to keep everything bottled, either from shame or from not having the energy to express the emotions in the first place. 

"It's okay. I will assist you."

Sam let him grab her hand and lead her down the halls to the bathroom that was conveniently across from her room. She sat on the toilet as Cas went and rummaged through her drawers a bit to find clean clothing. Her thoughts raced, wondering if she would end up unloading everything on him tonight. 

When he came back, he had another big t-shirt, a fresh pair of underwear and a towel. She was about to point out that she already had a towel for herself hanging on the wall, but Cas spoke.

"I figured you would be most comfortable in these, as you've been in similar clothing for days," he said, laying the shirt and underwear on the counter. "The towel is part of a solution i've come up with. When the effects of dysphoria are unbearable, you can wrap this around your waist as you shower. Washing most of your body is better than not washing at all."

Sam nodded, grateful that she'd allowed Dean to call him, and grateful that Cas would do this for her. 

"Can you, um, turn around?" She asked hesitantly. She hoped Cas knew it wasn't because she didn't trust him or anything similar, she just couldn't stand to have anybody look at this body (the exception being Dean). The body that she was only attached to by flesh and bones, but not mentally. The body she sometimes looked at, surprised to find herself without without a pair of breasts, before remembering she'd never had them. It wasn't her, and she wasn't ready for anybody else to see it. 

"Of course," he said quickly. "My apologies."

To get Sam out of sight, he turned towards the shower. Making use of his time, he reached out to turn on the faucet, hoping to warm it up. By the time the tub was sufficiently filled, she had the towel tied tightly around her waist and her arms loosely crossed over her chest.

Cas reassuringly smiled at Sam when he turned back, careful where he placed his gaze so that he didn't make her uncomfortable. No matter how much he loved Sam and her body, he'd do anything to make her feel safe and comfortable around him. 

"Is it warm enough?" he asked as she stepped into the tub. 

She nodded, lowering herself into the water as Cas kneeled beside the tub. The water felt like a heated blanket and she just wanted to lean against the wall and sleep. As she watched the angel lather up a washcloth with Sam's favorite bar of soap, she knew she had to say something tonight.

"Is it okay if I touch you here?" Castiel said, hand hovering above Sam's shoulder.

"Yes," Sam practically whispered, trying not to choke because she knew what she was going to say next. "Cas, I really like you."

"I particularly enjoy your personality, too, Sam."

"I mean, I love you," she let out, hiding her hands in the water so her trembling was less noticeable. "I'm in love with you."

"I was hoping that was what you meant, but I didn't want to jump to conclusions," Cas answered with a small sigh. Still, he worked his way around Sam's back, hoping his movements were more comforting than anything else. He'd also noticed that she'd lost some weight since he'd last seen her unclothed. Muscle weight, if anything, but it still wasn't a good sign. 

"So..." 

"I love you very much, Sam Winchester. In a much different way than I've ever loved anyone else."

Cas thought maybe he would hear a sigh of relief, maybe some tension gone from Sam's anxious body, but she tensed and looked away. For a few seconds he ran through all the things he might've just done to upset her. He honestly wasn't sure what was wrong.

"Sam?" He tried to get her attention. 

When she just lowered her head to stare into the water, he decided he'd wait to see if she wanted to speak. So he took her forearm closest to him in his hand gently and made sure to wash every inch of her arm, taking his time to keep the situation as calm as possible. He didn't want to treat her as if she was a baby or made of glass, but he didn't want to hurt her either. Even if it's an accident, a small sting can hurt much more than usual when you're already cut wide open. 

"Cas," she said when he reached for her other arm. Both of them paused before she said, "I don't know how to say this."

"Take your time," he assured her, continuing to wash up and down her other arm in slow motions. 

"I want to be with you. I want to hold your hand and lay my head on your lap," she sucked in a breath and looked up at Cas, who had just finished her other arm. "But i can't be too close, and I really can't have sex with you. I just can't. Not now."

At first Cas said nothing, just tilted his head and flitted his eyes around Sam's face. She thought she might throw up with the suspense.

"Sam, I don't expect any of those things," he said as if it were obvious, but not in a way that made her seem as though she was overreacting. "Anything you do for me or with me, I will accept gratefully, but you never have to do anything you aren't comfortable with."

It seems as though Sam isn't sure what to do with herself at first. So she just holds out her soapy arms and pulls Cas into a hug. Cas didn't mind that the water was seeping into his trench coat, he simply held tight and waited. 

Still holding on, she started to talk again, "I want to give you everything. I hope you know that."

"I know," he said gruffly, rubbing his hand lightly up and down her back.

She pulled back and immediately apologized, "Sorry, i got you all soapy."

"I sincerely do not mind," he promised, leaning forward to place a soft kiss on Sam's wet forehead. 

A blush blossomed across her face, reaching her neck and her ears. Cas took note of the small smile that appeared on her face as he continued to help her bathe.  By the time that Cas was reaching for the shampoo and working it into Sam's hair, she had relaxed a noticeable amount. Her eyes closed as she let him pull his fingers through her hair. She'd chosen not to grow it out, even when Dean suggested it. The familiarity of it was comforting.

"What do you think Dean will say?" 

Taken slightly off guard, Cas thought for a moment. "I think he may already have a suspicion. I like to believe he's happy for us."

"Yeah, me too," she agreed.

Quietly, Cas drained the bath water as he used the shower hose to rinse Sam off. He grabbed her forearm to help her out of the tub and sat her on the toilet seat. Noticing how sleepy Sam seemed to be getting, he ruffled her hair a few times with a towel attempting to dry it.

"Would you like me to leave while you dress?" 

"Please."

So Cas left, opting to wait in bedroom. Hoping he wasn't crossing any boundaries, he sat down on the edge of her bed. He wondered if Sam would want to be called his girlfriend, or if she would want to label what they had at all. He decided that conversation could wait until she was feeling better, unless she brought it up herself. Although Cas didn't usually care much for human traditions, he did like the thought of being known as somebody's partner. He would like being reminded that somebody loved him more than anyone else, and that everyone else would know it, too.

Only a few moments later, Sam appeared in the doorway. Cas couldn't help but smile at her disheveled appearance and hair that stuck out in different directions.

"What?" Sam asked suspiciously, and shook her hair out of her eyes.

"Nothing," Cas said too quickly, looking down. "You're just very cute."

Sam let herself smile at that, and walked towards the bed to sit next to him. Their knees touched. Cas hesitantly put his hand face up on his knee as an invitation. She took it instantly. His thumb rubbed soft circles on the back of her hand.

"Would you sleep in my bed tonight?" Her eyes caught his for a second before she continued staring at their entangled hands.

"Of course," he said surely. 

Cas leaned in to kiss her cheek, but she turned her head to him. He stopped halfway, letting Sam decide what she wanted. So she did, and locked their lips in a lazy kiss. They pulled away smiling, and Sam had already begun to feel much better about the future knowing that she had someone to pick her up when she needed it.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! It would be super helpful if you left a comment! I'd like to make more fics for this universe and put them into a series, but I want to see if this gets positive feedback first (-:


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